


Loving and Losing

by deansiris



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst and Feels, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, Why Did I Write This?, but then tit got a life of its own, i wrote this at 3am, im sorry, this was going to be a simple fic i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 23:23:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15651054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deansiris/pseuds/deansiris
Summary: You've been in hell for as long as you could remember now. Hell and torture is the only thing you know until one day you open your eyes and you're not there anymore. You're out of hell but has anything ever been that simple, especially when the Winchesters are involved?





	Loving and Losing

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 3am literally. I started this out as a simple hurt/comfort fic but it got a life of its own and well, this was the result. Honestly, I kinda like it and hope that you do too!  
> Leave a kudos or a comment or both if you like what you read. It encourages me and truly makes my day!   
> Requests are open, just send it to my tumblr @waif-of-the-night or comment down below!  
> Happy Reading! :)

The smell of flesh and blood filled the air as everyday while the sound of slicing and screaming is all that could reach her ears. Leather straps dug mercilessly in her skin mercilessly as her skin and flesh was being torn into bits and pieces. The pain of it was all she could feel. She couldn’t fade it out. She couldn’t pass out. The pain coursing through her body made she scream like never before. And she was screaming.  
She didn’t realise that there were trails of tears now rolling down her cheek as her eyes were shut with more force than necessary. And then they were shot open making her body spring up. Her breaths were heavy as she felt a light touch on her shoulder startling her. The hand that touched her was immediately withdrawn as she blinked away the tears to take a better look at the person. He was sitting on the opposite edge of the bed that she was on. Her breathing evened out and her brows knotted in confusion. “Dean?” 

_“What the hell did you do, (y/n)?” Dean screamed at her.  
“What needed to be done.” She answered to him with the same expression. Her head dropped and she took a deep breath before she spoke up this time trying to keep her voice from breaking. “I couldn’t lose Sam. You and Sam...You’re my best friends. You’re everything that I have left. And I know for a fact that you would’ve done the same if I hadn’t done it before you-“   
“Yeah well you should’ve let me!” He interrupted she.  
“And what? Let you sell your soul instead of me? What good would that have been? I’m not even a hunter but you are! Don’t you understand? People need you. Sam needs you!”  
“And what about me?” he dipped his head as his eyes bore into hers trying to fight back the tears from forming, “What about what I need?” She could feel the crack in his voice making her heart heavy.   
She didn’t realise how close she and him had gotten during the conversation until his forehead was just an inch away from hers. She could feel his trembling breath on her skin as his hand found hers and gripped it tight like he was going to lose her right this second.   
“You (y/n), I need you.” _

His hand found her cheek and this time she didn’t flinch. He scooted closer to her and she let him. “It’s okay (y/n), you’re not there anymore. I’m here.”  
Tears broke through, the ones she didn’t know she’d been holding back as she lunged forward towards him. He caught her in his arms and wrapped them tightly around her body. He held her this way for what felt like eternity until she had somewhat calmed down. “You have no idea how much I missed you.” He spoke while his head was nuzzled into her hair.   
“I missed you too.” She said once she pulled back with a small smile on her lips but it faltered as soon as she let her mind wander. “Wait, how am I...what did you do? And where’s Sam?” she was scared about what they had done to get her out of the pit.   
“Don’t worry, we didn’t do anything stupid. And Sam’s fine, he’s out on a supply run. I’ll explain everything to you.”   
And then he told her everything that had happened after she died. The Apocalypse, the leviathans and now the trials. At first she couldn’t believe the things they had to go through over the years but there was still content seeing them alright even after all this. Sam was doing the trials to close the gates of hell forever which required for them to save a soul from hell. That’s how they found a backdoor to hell and along with liberating Bobby’s soul to heaven, they saved her.   
Soon after Sam was back and the three of them spent the day remembering the old days when the world wasn’t this screwed up. The sun was long out now as they sat around the table in the men of letters library with a six pack which was almost all empty now. Sam decided to call it a night early leaving (y/n) and Dean alone after muttering goodnights to her and telling her how good it was to have her back.  
_Only ten minutes remained before the clock strikes midnight and the time of her deal is up. The hallucinations had already started but she was pulling through. Sam was securing the room with goofer dust against the hellhounds. The first time she heard the howl of the hellhounds, a chill ran through her whole body. Dean stood right beside her with her hand in his, doing everything in his power to tell her that he wouldn’t let anything happen to her. But she knew better, there was no way they could fight off the hellhounds. Five minutes remained on the clock. She pulled out her knife from behind her jacket. Dean’s eyes darted to the knife and then to her. He was good at reading expressions when it came to (y/n). Worry washed over his face in an instant. “What do you think you’re doing (y/n)?”  
“Dean,” she paused. This wasn’t easy for her but she had no other choice. “I don’t have much time. Here...” she pushed the knife towards him, handle facing him. He glanced at it then landed his eyes back at her.   
“No. No, what are...”  
“I don’t want to be a hellhound’s chew toy. Please. I don’t have much time.” The howls were louder than ever.   
His eyes were glistening but he knew she were right. As much as he hated it, he knew it. He reluctantly took the knife from her and gripped it tight. Tears now rolling down his cheeks. Her hands rose and cupped his face and his hand came up to rest over them.   
“I was trying to be brave about this,” she chuckled as a tear left her eye which she quickly blinked away. “I was trying to be like you but I’m not. You’re good Dean. Don’t ever think otherwise. Take care of yourself, like you take care of Sammy. And promise me you won’t do anything stupid to bring me back.”  
“But (y/n)-”  
“No Dean, promise me.” He couldn’t say it but he nodded and that was enough for her.   
“I don’t want to lose you (y/n), I can’t.” His voice was hoarse and cracking.  
“You won’t. I’ll be right here with you. Just close your eyes and I’ll be here.” She gave him the best smile she could.  
He dipped his head lower and his lips came over to brush over hers. He left her hand and cradled her head as he kissed her with all he had and she kissed him back. The fact that this was the first and last kiss he had with her broke his heart.   
And too soon the clock struck twelve. She pulled back and kissed the side of his mouth before he drove the knife right through her. The howls were gone, the hellhounds had left and it all felt silent again. Sam came back to the room to find Dean on his knees, cradling her lifeless body in his arms not willing to let her go. _  
Dean emptied the last beer bottle and set it on the table. She was leaning against the table with a bottle of her own. She heard him clear his throat before he pushed himself up from his chair and came to stand before her.   
“I know this may not be the right time but I wanted to talk about what happened before I...uh,” he was struggling to find words but she knew what he was talking about.   
“It’s alright, you don’t have to-“  
“No, I do. (y/n) I...” he paused as if to collect himself before speaking again, “I love you. And I regretted every day not saying this before but now I don’t want any second to pass with you not knowing that I love you and I don’t ever want to live without you.”  
“I love you too Dean.”   
His lips were over hers as soon as the words left them. The kiss was hot and searing but also filled with emotions and nothing like the last time. This time it had promise. His hands ran up to her head, fingers weaving in her hair holding her close to him. His other hand found her thigh and hopped her up on the table as the kiss started to grow into something more.   
The sunlight started illuminating the room as she slept with her head resting on Dean’s chest. She was still in sleep while Dean was awake and softly stroking her arm while taking in her sleeping figure that looked so peaceful. He smiled at himself at the thought that he had her back with him. His brows knotted when he saw her eyes fluttering uneasily as her hands started trembling.   
“Hey, it’s okay.” He said softly to wake her up from her nightmare but it didn’t help. Her eyes started watering while she whimpered in his arms. He propped himself up on the head rest and shook her lightly by her shoulder finally waking her up from her nightmare. She woke up screaming but his arms were immediately around her, calming her down. She cried in his arms for a long time and he held her tight till she was finally okay. He wiped the tears off her face and held her close to him.   
“I’m sorry.” She whispered into him.  
“Shh...you have nothing to be sorry about. It’s okay and I’m here for you, always. Alright?”  
She nodded slightly.   
“Great, so why don’t you freshen up and I’ll fix something up for you.” He suggested and she agreed. He gave her a kiss before she left the bed and made her way to the bathroom wearing his black t-shirt that didn’t fit her at all. She closed the bathroom door behind her and rested her hands at the side of the sink. She closed her eyes and splashed some water in her face. She reached towards the towel but before she could grab it a stinging ache shot through her head. She clutched her head tightly while letting out small grunts but the pain only grew. Soon she lost her balance and hit the floor, knocking over some of the stuff from the sink. The sound of things falling reached Dean and he immediately started knocking on the door asking if she was alright. She tried to answer him but a scream was all that left her mouth. The pain was unbearable. Her nails were digging deep into her skull at this point but she only wanted the pain to stop.   
Dean finally pushed through the door when he didn’t get a reply to find her passed out on the floor.   
“Sammy!” he called out as he pulled her up from the floor and carried her to her bed.   
They called Cas for help to see what was wrong. He came as soon as they called and examined her by pressing his fingers to her forehead. He retrieved his hand as his lips formed a thin line which immediately worried Sam and Dean. Sam was the one to ask, “What is it?”  
Castiel sighed and then told them. “I’m afraid that she had to endure hell’s torture for too long-“  
“Yeah, we know that. But this...this never happened to me when I got back from hell.” Dean interrupted.  
Cas sighed again and began to explain, “That’s because you were saved in time. She was there for far longer than you were, so much as that her soul is damaged.”  
“What do you mean damaged?” Sam asked.  
“She was going to become a demon soon if you hadn’t got her. The extent of damage to her soul is too much for anyone to come back from it. I’m sorry, but she’s only going to get worse.”  
The ground beneath Dean’s feet had shifted. This...this was not supposed to be happening. “No, no, no. There has to be something. There has to be another way.” He begged Castiel.  
Cas glanced at her face and then back to the boys, “There is one other way.” He said but his expressions read that whatever it is, the boys weren’t going to like it.  
“That is?” Sam nudged anyway.  
“We could send her soul to heaven. If she remains this way, she’ll keep getting worse until she dies and gets sent back to hell. But if...if she dies now I could get her soul to heaven.”  
Dean stormed out of there without saying another word. Sam went after him and asked Cas to look after she to which he instantly agreed. Sam saw Dean go through the bunker hallways to the garage. He was walking towards the Impala in hurried steps but was stopped in his tracks when Sam called his name from behind. He stopped and Sam caught up with him.   
“What do you think you’re gonna do?” Sam asked him.  
Dean didn’t answer him but Sam knew his look all too well. “Dean don’t do something stupid-”  
“And what? Let her die and go to hell? Again? No Sammy, I won’t let that happen. I should’ve done something back then and I didn’t but this time you’re not going to stop me Sam. She died for _you_ Sammy...”   
“Hey I know! And I wish she hadn’t done that every second of my life but...but Dean, this isn’t the only option. We could do what Cas said. This isn’t what she would want.”  
“Don’t I get a say?” (y/n)’s voice silenced the both of them.   
She walked closer to the brothers. “Cas told me everything and...I’m ready.”  
“No, (y/n)...” Dean drifted.  
“Hey, it’s okay. Cas showed me a glimpse of my heaven. And spoiler alert, you’re there too. He says we have a shared heaven.” She smiled; the kind of smile that could light the whole damn world.   
“But I can’t lose you again (y/n), I just can’t.” Dean pleaded.   
“And you won’t.” She said as she took his hands and placed a knife in his hands. “You’re not loosing me Dean, I’ll be waiting for you. You live a long happy life and then we’ll meet again. Please.”  
Dean’s head hung low as he stared at the knife in his hands. He knew what he had to do. But damn it. Why him? Demons, angels, monsters, death- he was made to face everything but it didn’t break him like this. Nothing could.   
“I love you so much (y/n).” He said through his tears.   
“I love you too.” She whispered before she kissed him and he kissed her back holding her close to him. He pulled back and took her in, her face, her smile, her eyes, everything for the last time. They looked at each other for the last time it silence. But it was the kind of silence that meant everything.  
And maybe for him, loving her meant losing her.

**Author's Note:**

> Requests are open, just send it to my tumblr @waif-of-the-night or comment down below!  
> Leave a kudos or a comment or both if you like what you read. It encourages me and truly makes my day!


End file.
